jonah stew

Jonah moved out last week. In order to celebrate mourn, I decided to recreate his daily staple food, something I nicknamed "Jonah stew".

To start, find a pot that you've cooked something in but haven't washed. Ideally it's the pot you made stew in yesterday, but if you don't have that, any other sauce-encrusted pot with bits left over will do.

Turn the heat on and pour a little bit of oil in - just a little, can't get too crazy. Sprinkle in just enough rice grains to cover the fact that the pot was never washed.



Add in some frozen feelings vegetables, whatever you have congealed in the depths of your soul freezer - peas and corn are good. Using a wooden spatula, stir and scrape the bottom of the pot, agitating all of the dessicated and frozen things together. Add in a bay leaf if you want to see something that might have been alive at some point - totally optional.



All this stirring the pot is hard work. Put the lid on for a minute and cast your eyes about for some distraction. What? Jo left nuts on the counter again? Why would she leave things you like to eat just lying around? Mmm, almonds... I mean damn her.



Ok, now you've got no one to blame but yourself. But, you tried so hard to resist!



OK, back to work.

Take out some tofu. It's gotta be EXTRA FIRM • ORGANIC like the CARPET • YOGA MAT you sleep on - chronic back pain's a bitch.



Now really take that tofu out of the box. Out of the box things scare you, so release that fear/anger by gripping and squeezing the tofu, really hard. Make all the water come out. That's good. Good work.



Rest for a minute and stretch your back. Put your leg up on the nearest stool/chair/stool-chair combo. Nevermind that it's the middle of winter and you're wearing gym shorts and mismatched socks - your life is efficient, damn it. Who has time for style??



OK, bell pepper is next. Halve it by any means necessary. A knife is nearby but why do things the easy way?



Dig out the seeds of change and throw them in the waste disposal THROW THEM ON THE GROUND!

There are many things you've thrown on the ground before, like people's hearts. But you can't talk about that now; it's too sad.



Break up the tofu and the bell pepper and toss them into the pot. This is the most colorful your life gets.



So that was exciting. But you don't want to overdo it, so you store them away carefully in the fridge drawer, like not wrapped or anything.



Despite the color, the mix is tasting rather bland at this point. Here are some spices you have historically used:
Tumeric
Oregano
Black pepper
Red chili flakes

But, since you live with Jo, ya might as well steal her spice blends and never replace them:
Balti (cumin mix)
BBQ 3000
...OK that's as much as you'll allow yourself.



Open a can of chickpeas and leave the lid at the edge of the sink, like so. You're very cautious, so this *surely* wouldn't cut anyone.



Scoop some chickpeas into the pot. Get out a bunch of scallions and twist off sections with your big hands - because CHOPping is for suckers your roommates.



Taking a break from math is supposed to be helpful, but at this point it's just taking too long. Take a break from taking a break, and eat something involving hummus.

Spinach leaves will work, but a carrot is even better. Bite down hard so frustration can leave your body, maybe.



You're finally at your carrot's wit's end.



Throw the rest of the spinach into the pot and put the lid on so your feelings can stew.



When you're finally ready, fill up the nearest small container - wouldn't want to eat too much! Something like the lid of the hummus container would work, but ramekins - why not.

Scoop out the stew and top it with hummus and/or Greek yogurt and/or olive oil and/or salt and/or some crackers. Whatever you'll let yourself have for the day.

Don't forget to pour one out for your dearly beloved/departed.



Eat the stew with a small-ish spoon and cry the entire time.

Try to forget but end up leaving the BFF light on, forever.